Regular Pistachios: These right here are our all natural, nutritious, and delicious pistachio nut. It is one of our best sellers. Sometimes, you just have to go back to the original. These are currently $5.00 a pound.


Salty/Supah Salty Pistachios: Now I know what your thinking. Sir Banana Pirate? These don't look salty at all. They look Identical to the ones above. That's because they are! Except we utilized specialized science to put loads of salt inside of the pistachio. All of the cholesterol, without the salty mess! $7.00 a bag for salty. $10.00 a bag for Supah Salty Pistachios.



Ah yes. For all of you dietary people out there who think that eating our peanuts will make you a humongous freak, we decided to zap this nut to take out any accidental salt or possible ingredients that are fattening that we may have accidentally inserted into the nut. We even got rid of all the flavor as well! So there you go, you obesiphobia freaks! $6.00 a bag.


Ginormous Pistachio!!: This right here is our ginormous pistachio that we entered into the nut festival of 2011. We won first place in the salty and size factors. And so we won all of the awards. And one of these babies can be yours for the simple price of $400,000. No it's okay. We've got acres and acres of these beasts. You can do all sorts of stuff with these things! You can eat it, live in it, make a boat out of it, blow it up, kick it, run away from it after stealing a golden idol, and you can even share it with your friends. It now has been growing with wi-fi access for accessing things such as our amazing website to buy more of our pistachios!

The Best Darn Pistachio: Okay, this is a crowd pleaser folks. Think of all the saltiness and crunchiness in our pistachios, but doubled whilst also adding 10 different Mexican and African spices, while adding sugar, energy crystals found in the core of the sun, enormous amounts of gigabytes shoved inside of it, and then to top it all off we micro-sized and made un-melting pistachio ice cream to fit inside one simply delicious and tiny pistachio nut. Is that not the best thing you've ever heard of? It's the best thing we've ever made. I find it to be the best thing in the world. How much is this amazing nut? Just 1 easy payment of $999,999,999.99. Now this is a bargain folks. To make your own, which costs energy much better than electricity that is DEFINITELY not uranium. Nope. Nothing radioactive. This is a very delicate and explosive process. And remember, this is one pistachio you do not want to miss out on. And this AMAZING pistachio costs only $999,999,999.99. SO BUY TODAY!!

Hello. My name is Jakob Berry. And I own a Pistachio Farm all the way down in the center of the Earth. We grow all sorts of Pistachios. If you think there are different kinds of Pistachios, then you are correct. Our highly trained professionals have been designing the technology to create new and very delicious pistachios. We are trying to provide what the Earth has not provided and create the ultimate nut. Not that our default pistachios aren't as delicious as apple pie, but we're trying to create an even better version. What do we call this quaint little farm of ours? None other than the Nutty Acres of the Earth. I mean come on. How could you not trust these loving faces?

So I say come on down to Nutty Acres of the Earth. We'd be happy to give you a free sample. Just go to the center of the Earth, battle Bill the Giant Depressed Sand Worm, Ride on the Trolley Car of Doom, Scale the Mountain of Lost Socks, Jump down it without getting ALL of your bones crushed and mutilated, Doorbell Ditch the Keeper Elves' Tree, Sprinkle some seasoning (any kind) on a bush that states that it will murder you in your sleep, and then a door with 8 door knobs will appear. Open it with the doorknob in the bottom left corner. Then you will be at good ol' Nutty Acres. It's the best place all around.